When I was a teenager I stumbled across a book called “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live” by Ann Heberlein. And I recall it being relatable as I felt pretty depressed back then. I read so many books similar to that, autobiographical books with deep emotions and vulnerabilities. Things that are raw and full of topics hard to talk about.
Two most memorable books were finnish ones and somehow in their own melancholic worlds I adored them, or well at least cried my eyes off while reading them. Last book was something we read at school and I really could felt the hatred that was burning inside of the main character and really getting her going like an train engine.
Teräsmiehen morsian – Eve Hietamies
“The bride of the Superman” was a story about 30-something woman, a couple growing kinda apart, traumatic childhood, arguments and problems with family members. Too many dissapointments with a slice of dark humour. Even if the book was full of sad moments mixed with memories worth longing for – there still was this little light of happiness in its own kind of way.
I remember reading this book multiple times, but it hit different while I was in a relationship, which sadly was already ending.
“Maybe we just fade away.”
Iltapäivällä tuli levottomuus – Eva Illoinen
I remember I was probably 14 when we had an assignment at school to read a finnish book made in a different era. I found this book from 1980 called “In the afternoon the agitation came” – There are no translations to these books so I need to translate them myself. This book was about mid-aged woman and her “perfect life”, which wasn’t as perfect as it first seemed. There were glimpses from the past mixed with the present. Themes around anxiety, agitation, being afraid of living and “the pain being a woman in the society”, running away into the embraces of alcoholism. For me as a kid reading this book was really harsh. The protagonist was in great agony and i sincerely felt really bad for her and her family; husband and a teenager.
“Did they clearly watch the Death straight to the eyes and knew that it was over. Never feared.”
The Life and Loves of a She-Devil – Fay Weldon
I think this book is called a classic, that is read in schools. Not sure if it’s like that in other countries but at least it was on my upper secondary high‘s reading list. In it’s own dark way – I really enjoyed reading this book. It still makes me wonder how extreme the protagonist went with her ultimate goal to take a revenge to his unfaithful husband. That level of persistent behaviour could lead us far – but I hope it wouldn’t be as ill-mannered as she had. Even if the story was more about fixing yourself to be totally different person, as she wanted (imo) that mistresse’s life (in a way), there is somewhat point to changing yourself to be something you want to be, how it could affect your confidence and really change your life. I don’t support revenge or other’s stealing someone elses life like the protagonist was trying to do – but genuinely trying to be better you and find happiness within yourself and in the way you radiate yourself is something I am cheering for.
“Want revenge. I want power. I want money. I want to be loved and not love in return.”
/ There were many other books important to me while growing up, but these ones came to my mind firstly. It’s kinda sad that as I got older I haven’t read that much. /
☼ Good vibes ☼ 