Conquer yourself

What fear have you conquered?

This question is pretty hard to answer. I have many fears but frankly I’m not sure how many I have conquered. Either way, one thing came straight to my mind when I read the question.

Trip to Gdansk, Poland

I talked with a dear friend of mine. He was telling me his adventures all over the world and I really got inspired. I made a plan to go somewhere relatively close, as this was going to be my first trip alone, to a completely different country. I bought the plane tickets there pretty much out of my impulsive hyper energy phase and after that I checked out some pretty cheap hostel and made reservations. Tickets and the hostel for 3 days were barely over 120€.

It made me so excited – this was my own merit for “knowing I can do anything”. One day before the flight I was so nervous that I would have been late or forgot something. I had one backpack ready with some clothes and passport. I wanted to travel light, go on a budget but still enjoy every moment.

When I got there I wanted to take photos of everything. Things I found beautiful, no matter how common it would be, all the foods and views, buildings and small little things. And to be honest, I fell in love. I fell in love with everything.

The amount of freedom, waking up whenever you want to and just going wherever you want to go, visiting weird places and all the small corner cafes. No obligations, just you having adventures and taking photos of everything. Architecture, birds, old buildings and churches.

I just love waffles and this was a dream come true

It felt empowering. I was the one in control.

And being there just felt right, but late at night I had this small feeling that maybe it would have been nice to share this feeling with someone else.

Overcoming the myth people always told me; you could not travel alone, it’s too dangerous.

Second conquest I had when I visited Bazylika Mariacka. As I mentioned in my earlier post; I’m afraid of heights. In a plane it’s not that bad, but when I walked the stairs to the roof of the church I definitely felt like fainting, legs shaking, hands touching the bricky walls. More than 3 times I was ready to return back, but kept going. I didn’t want to give up. I was already in a new country, I didn’t come this far to just be defeated by my own mind.

Beautiful Stained class

I loved all the small details

But I am happy to announce you that eventually I made it to the roof. And that, my dear friends, felt like I was winning in life. It felt that nothing could stop me anymore. Going back down was a joy, I felt that I am more than I was before. Talked with totally stranger british group while they were going to the roof, they were all lovely ladies staying in Gdynia. I enjoyed our brief chat – feeling even more victorious of my sudden bravery.

It was breathtakingly beautiful view

Almost crawled these stairs

I’m craving to get back. Addicted to the feeling of freedom, seeing new places. I probably got overboad with these pictures, but seeing them makes me extremely happy, traveling back in time and just feeling the same feelings I had while being in there.

I fell in love – I fell in love and am longing for the moments.

Enormous amount of money

If you had a billion US dollars, how would you spend it?

One Instagram scammer asked me similar question awhile ago. It was about 5k dollars and I send them links for charity websites. Sadly they only wanted my PayPal rather than donating them straightly to those in need. Did not send any of my info ofcourse, it’s too common to lose your email accounts or other things with these kinds of thing. Be careful on the Internet!

Back to the subject; How would you spend that enourmous amount of money.

• Investing and saving
• Help my family and friends
• Travel all around the world and do the things I would love to do.
• Pay away my loans and also the loans my family/friends have so they would have a fresh start
• Give to charities that would really help people, animals or nature in need
• Help the homeless and would love to have shelters and safeplace for them and other people/families in need, with cozy atmosphere, food and options to wash themselves and maybe somekind of a kickstart to get back to the society and get on track with their life. There could be free counceling with different areas in life for them as well if they need/want any. Place where everyone is welcomed and not judged. “What goes around, comes around” as in kindness. I would wish that place to be kind and it to spread kindness to outer world as well.
  • Would love to help small businesses to thrive.

This post made me a bit emotional because it made me remember how many things I would want to change in this world. All the not so great things with hatred and people, animals or our nature suffering. There are greatness and many beautiful things as well but destructive nature of some makes me just so utterly sad.

I’m yet again waffling and changing the topic probably for the millionth time but let’s all try to be more kind and maybe one day, in this dream utopia, there would only be love.

Halcyon moments

Today’s prompt: short story or poem about rain.

I wanted to write a poem. It was a bit hard for me to write a poem in English, but I wanted to try it out anyways.

Halcyon moments;

Gloomy mist
veiled the valleys
with the sacred tears of gods

Pattering raindrops
on the lone cabin roof
Softly dancing
in the dim light

Sound of silence
Mixed with the rhythm
Languid
Deafening
Secretly soothing

Dribbling
down the blurry
cold window
Drip Drop Drip Drop

Placid solitude
To be alone or
to be lonely

Tick tock goes the clock

Today’s prompt; What’s a treasure that has been lost?

Time.

Every passing second, minute and an hour. Everything unknown that will be ahead of us. Every memory of the past we found ourselves craving for. The joy for the future you’re dreaming of. Soft hazel clouds on the horizon when you said your vows to each other. Tears for the beloved relative and white roses on the grave. Kids running on the grass, summer rain embracing them gently. First time you see your newborn baby, the smell of their soft hair. Old man telling his stories with a raspy voice, eyes filled with nostalgia and warmth. Pillow forts and movie dates. Nervous confessions and innocent love. Holding hands under the table. Companionship. Friendships that lasts for an eternity. Animals comforting when you feel sad. Karaoke songs on a long roadtrip. Phone calls with someone dear to you. Old lady smiling and sitting on a bus stop waiting for her ride to come. Dancing and living the music. Hands caress the face of someone familiar. You and me and me and you. Butterflies, those tiny little butterflies whenever you call my name.

Time is all we have and all that is lost everyday.

And it’s so scary that we have only a limited time here. Only brief moments and eventually fading into the bliss.

Scared little rabbit keeps hiding

Brave;

showing no fear of dangerous or difficult things

Bravery means so many different things to different people. It’s all about the context but in the end I think the similarity is in the courage to do or say something while facing difficult things even if you would feel scared or nervous. The key point is probably with the “not showing your fear” to the outside world.

How am I brave?

If I’m being totally honest – I don’t feel that I’m brave at all. Sometimes I seem like this really optimistic and confident person without worries at all and most parts that is accurate but I’m usually nervous and scared of a lot of things as well. I’m afraid to tell people my opinions and be honest with my feelings. And frankly I’m always super afraid to make these posts here as I’m not using my motherlanguage and writing about personal stuff.

I like being social and talking with people, getting to know them and tbh I don’t have problems with anyone but at the same time I have this huge fear of intimacy, relationships, getting used and eventually people you though would stay with you through ice and fire – dissappearing when you no longer serve “your purpose” to them. These things are really hard for me to say outload and even many closest to me – don’t know about these insecurities.

Being “weak and sensitive” is a hard spot for me – because that’s what I tried not to be after my teenage-angst-years. At the time I was coping with the ideology that you should never be “weak” and cry no matter how hurt you were. Honestly – that’s not even a weakness. If I could – I would say to my youger self that there is no need to beat yourself over hollow phrases said to you over an anger bursts. Everybody makes mistakes, some phrases were never meant to have such an impact but sadly they did. But hey, you have already made this much progress so!

As years have gone by I’ve learned to accept me fully and I can say that I like the person I have become. I don’t need to be strong every day, it’s okay to cry if you feel like it. It’s okay to say if you don’t like the way someone acts towards you. It’s okay if you don’t accept toxicity anymore and it’s perfecty fine to spend time alone. And it’s definitely 100% ok to set boundaries – and tbh it’s more like a mandatory.

You have yourself always – so why not stopping the hatred and be good to youself. Be a friend not the enemy.

Secretly a mess, but aren’t we all

I’ve been trying to figure out what to write here. I have no successful story to be told or anything mighty. I’m just an average person with common problems. And i don’t have any great solutions to things. I’m just trying to figure out what suits the best for me. And some days they work and other times they definitely won’t.

Sometimes my lack of discipline makes me frustrated. Cleaning my house after work seems unbearable and tbh what is the best way to snap out of your procrastinating cycle when you are just scrolling meaningless videos and mourn your unproductive day.

And it’s not that I want to be ‘lazy and unproductive’. I keep getting anxious over it, scolding like some parents their teenager kids, but it’s definitely a challenge to do things you need to get done. And I know I can do a lot of things, when I have my mind on it and this weird motivational high going on. Hyper-actively doing everything on my to-do lists. And after that being extremely exhausted. Would be a lot easier to do them in smaller portions.

Best days are definitely the best and the lowest can be – well really paralyzing in a way. But it still feels a really disappointing, even though I have too high expectations from myself, i have too many things going on on my plate. I should be more understanding because if someone else would talk about these issues i wouldn’t be this harsh on them. Like I would be proud of them – doing even the bare minimum. Even doing that one half of the small thing out of the thousand other things that needs to be done.

So if I need to say something I’m proud of today, about this whole year, it would be that

• I’m proud of myself that I’ve grown better with understanding my own financial situation and have learned to stay on my budgets.
• I’m proud of myself that I’ve grown a bit as a person – learned to appreciate myself more and set boundaries with other people.
• I’m glad that even if I haven’t met my weekly cleaning or exercise goals – I’ve been able to work in a two completely different jobs and still managed to have time to relax and do things i enjoy.

And things that excite me from the upcoming year would be

• Starting school to be children’s instructor while continuing my work.
• Trying to figure out a home workout schedule as as i would not be able to hit gym as my time will be limited.
• Visit a different country with my coworkers or alone.

Budgeting ;

Last week I didn’t feel that motivated, been feeling kinda off, out of touch in a way. Tried to find out some things that could give me more energy and inspiration.

So i got inspired by saving money. Applied for second job and actually got it, calculated my upcoming bills and made budgets for my next salary.

When I was younger I used a lot of money, which I really didn’t have and usually were shopping to make me feel a bit happier even for a bit. But as I grew older I realized that it actually made me even more anxious, hurt me financially and made my place full of stuff I don’t even want to have. Regretting almost everything I bought. Too much impulsive shopping.

Reading about saving and budgeting really inspires me and have made me a bit better with spending and saving. I’m still learning though.

How I budget my monthly expenses right now and other stuff > later when I know things better I’m going to do updated version but this is what works for me at the moment

• First I calculate my bills that need to be paid every month (apartment, internet, phone etc.)
  • I also list everything on a notebook so I remember what needs to be paid. And make marks whenever I’ve paid them.
• After counting all the expenses I subtract them from my monthly salary – so I know how much ‘usable’ money I’m going to have.
• Because I have a diet (as I’m normally going to gym and want to gain more weight) > I know what I’m buying from the store every week/month – it makes it easier to stay on a track on my spending with food and drinks or sweets.
  • It’s still pretty flexible so every now and then I can buy whatever else i want without worrying about it
  • It really does make saving easier when you plan ahead.

Ordinary small things ;

Sometimes the small moments and things makes us the happiest.

It’s good to think some of these and maybe write them down – so whenever you are feeling low, you could remind yourself of those good things or memories or moments and maybe do these small things to make you happier or feel even slightly better again.

Some of the small things that make me feel happier:

• Sunlight coming through windows
• Quiet and calm coffee/tea moment
• When you go to bed after long day and you have new clean bedsheets etc.
• When you walk barefoot on the grass
• Sitting on a bus or at the car listening to music and watching the views change. Feeling like you are in an indie movie.
• When you feel like you have nowhere to hurry or you just aren’t busy in general
• Seeing your friends and family and if they tell something they really like or some things that they think are important.
• Happy and silly moments with important people and when you just can’t stop laughing.
• Warm showers
• Soft clothes
• Watching animals do their own things.
• Watching the sky, clouds or stars (btw i saw this weekend shooting stars!!!)
• Movie marathon days, when all you do is watch television, eat and just relax with no regrets.
• Comfy blankets and being like a burrito
• Soft breeze on your face
• Early mornings or late nights when everyone else is still sleeping
• Sunsets and sunrises
• Hugs and people genuinely caring from others
• Being at the cafe alone with your own thoughts
• When you feel inspired

I’m challenging you to think even couple of things that has ever made you feel a bit happier or when you notice yourself thinking that ‘oh, this thing or situation is really making me feel a bit better’ or ‘oh this feels nice’. It doesn’t have to be something big.

I’ve had many moments when I think that some people are really beautiful or how the sunlight makes colors feel more vivid and warm and those are also the moments that makes me so full of joy. Like all the beautiful moments and places and things are something to live for and experience.

Emotions, feelings, ‘Let it go’

This week has been all about learning and dealing with emotions and feelings. Trying to find the deeper meaning behind them, live it and get through them and after that – just letting them go.

I’ve heard many podcasts and motivational speakers talk about 5min rule. The main purpose is to have this 5min to feel truly whatever has been bothering you, getting through those negative emotions you’ve tried to hold back the whole day and eventually after processing them in that 5min radius – you will just let go of them and continue your day.

I haven’t had much of negative feelings or emotions this week. Mostly being a little bit tired, which correlates my lack of sleep, or exhausted physically as I’ve been helping my parents with moving. Overall mood being highly in the good side this whole week. Meeting with friends and family really makes me feel more energetic and happier.

But I’ve realized that for example in the past – the quiet evenings/nights are the worst. When you have time to reflect and really think about everything going on inside your mind. When the ‘loneliness’ kicks in and you have the freedom to feel and be truly as you are, sometimes you get a bit melancholic, out of blue, even though you’d had all of these awesome moments in the bare daylight.

Trying to find the ‘roots’ of my emotions have been a hard challenge, to be honest. But asking myself questions have made it a little bit easier to realize what’s really going on.

Question examples I’ve been using to regulate my feelings, and how to be aware of them or reasons behind them;

• How do you feel? How are you in general? Is there a mix of emotions?
• What made you feel this way? Is there a reason behind it or is it more about your own insecurities?
• Is there something triggering this feeling or thought? Is it something that reminded you from the past experiences or is it more about your fears? Is it rational or irrational?
• Is there a way to make you feel better or change the situation? Is the situation up to you and your actions or is it more like an external factor?
• What are the first things that came to your mind when you felt this certain emotion? What do you think is behind your thoughts?
• If there is nothing you can do about the situation, what should you do to move on and get through it?